creativity.

what does creativity mean? what does it demand? what do we define it as?
I wonder this sometimes because I think our lack of understanding flows into so many areas of our lives.

I guess we could start with websters..
creativity: (noun) the use of the imagination or original ideas.

well, this is good. a start. but honestly I believe that the idea and function of the word goes much deeper. And i absolutely believe that it goes beyond artistic work. To me, artistic work is an art form.. A way of expressing creativity, but to be creative does not necessarily mean that you produce sound waves through instruments or great canvases with paint. Being creative is a necessary function that life demands.

life demands creativity.

And the best part of it is.. that we are naturally creative.
every. single. human. being.

It really just makes sense. Even logically.. we were created.. by a Creator. The Great Creator, in fact :) The best artist I know and the most creative and enthusiastic person i know. Anyways, so God created us.. we are his creation. Therefore, this makes creativity a natural result of spirituality.. therein, as we commune with The Creator, we naturally begin to be creative. to create. It doesn't matter what youre creative in either! Really, all it requires is originality. Not just simply looking to someone or something else to tell us how to operate. how to live..
We can be creative in art forms. Or we can be creative in the way we work. the way we teach. We can be creative in the way we eat food. cook food. the way we dance. the way we read. the way we raise our children. the way we look at life. at nature. We can be creative in the way we love.. In fact, I believe that the ability to love requires creativity.
Worship of God requires creativity. Where do we think these words we read on the screen come from on Sunday mornings? They come from a love so deep, so overwhelming, bubbling up over that they must express the love creatively. They don't look to someone else's words to express their own love. The experience is something that they don't have words for... so they create them.

I think that's why I love Bethel Worship and Jesus Culture so much.. they leave room to sing out your own words! They understand that their position is to bring words to the body that they can spring off of into creating their own words.. enter into their own worship.
God deserves creativity. He deserves creative worship. He deserves more than the stale words that don't make our hearts beat violently inside of us.. He deserves more! More than we can give, but that doesn't mean that He doesn't deserve what we can give. And we can give more. We can give more than just reading words and reciting what we have memorized. We can give creative thought. creative song. creative dance. creative response.
He deserves a creative response to his majesty.

puritan prayer.

I found this prayer over a year ago.. I never made it mine own until now.

"My dear Lord,
I depend wholly upon thee - wean me from all other dependences.
Thou art my all, thou dost overrule all and delight in me.
Thou art the foundation of goodness... how can I distrust thee? how be anxious about what happens to me?
In the light of thy preciousness, the world and all its enjoyments are infinitely poor:
I value the favor of men no more than pebbles.
Amid the blessings I receive from thee, may I never lose the heart of a stranger.
May I love thee, my benefactor, in all my benefits, not forgetting that my greatest danger arises from my advantages.
Produce in me self-despair that will make Jesus precious to me, delightful in all his offices, pleasureable in all his ways, and may I love his commands as well as his promises.
Help me to discern between true and false love, the one consisting of supreme love to thee, the other not, the former uniting thy glory and human happiness that they may become one common interest, the latter disjointing and separating them both, seeking the latter with neglect of the former.
Teach me that genuine love is different in kind from that wrought by rational arguments or the motive of self-interest, that such love is a pleasing passion affording joy to the mind where it is.
Grant me grace to distinguish between the genuine and the false,
And to rest in thee who art all love."
- Puritan Prayer.

timing.

Timing is everything..

More recently I have been stripped of so many things that i have found comfort or security in, each in this same season of my life, and the precise timing of it all shows me that he is clearly speaking some type of new season into my life.
And it's not just the feeling of loss that makes this timing stand out to me. it's the simple fact and reminder of how he is the ultimate orchestrator. he orchestrates in such a beautiful and perfect way that it can not help but to grab my attention.

because in every season, we as humans, are weak.. and we continue to seek comfort. And the more comfortable we become in our lives and our daily routines, the easier it is to find some type of security in our relationships or jobs or surroundings.. and i sometimes feel like whenever i get to that place.. where everything begins to become a little comfortable.. well, He looks at me with this compassionate heart of his and reminds me that i wasn't created to be comfortable. That i was created to move and change and continue to see him in new and abounding ways in each season. That He is meant to be our only constant. our only security. And although change initially sets in some type of fear.. it's in the change where he can be found. it's in the change where he can provide. it's in the change where He is Abba.


And the more accustom i am to knowing and receiving all of this change.. i realize that it's not just change. it's progression. the progression of God in us. And while he is not changing, and his character is unchanging.. His spirit is one that is not controlled. His spirit is one that is alive and moving and completely progressive. pushing us to progress and progress and progress as individuals. to never stand still and be tamed by our surroundings and our society. to become more like Him.
that sweet spirit.. continues to push me and show me the freedom that is within my reach. the freedom and new awareness that awaits in the coming season. And by releasing me from the continuing obligations and the absolute trust i was starting to believe could be found in so many of my relationships.. he screams to me, Caroline. I Am. I Am your Abba. I Am your footing. your ground. your peace. your freedom. your world. and if "everything" else gets stripped away.. I Am still Abba Father to you.


i am grateful for the change. and the push that brings discomfort. because in this discomfort.. he is the only thing that makes sense.

currently listening: vito's ordination song by sufjan stevens
"..rest in my arms
sleep in my bed
there is a design
to what i did and said.."

healing.

my head has been throbbing all day.

the rush of blood and release of tension is almost too much for my brain to handle.

On most days I let my heart do the thinking.. maybe thats why the push to detach my heart and make the decision I know needs to be made is so difficult. And despite the pain.. I am joyful for these wounds. I can't explain it.. but the simple fact that I can feel jesus weeping with me is enough. To know that he is present with me.. and wants to experience my pain with me.

I went to barnes and noble today and opened up a book of lord byrons.. the first poem was entitled

To Caroline:

"Think'st thou I saw thy beauteous eyes,

Suffused in tears, implore to stay;

And heard unmoved thy plenteous sighs,

Which said far more than words can say

Though keen the grief thy tears exprest,

When love and hope lay both overthrown;

Yet still, my girl, this bleeding breast

Throbbed, with deep sorrow, as thine own.

But, when our cheeks with anguish glowed

When thy sweet lips were joined to mine;

The tears that from my eyelids flowed

Were lost in those which fell from thine.

Thou could'st not feel my burning cheek,

Thy gushing tears had quenched its flame,

And, as thy tongue essay'd to speak,

In sighs alone it breathed my name.."

i almost began weeping right there in the store as i heard jesus speak these words over me. i know i can't even begin to comprehend how much he loves us.. but that he wants to join in my tears. wants to feel my weak heart with me. to whisper to me my darling, you are not alone. it's overwhelming.

I think so many of us believe that he is bigger than to want to share in our pain. or that if we share, he'll just prematurely make us "do the right thing".. And because of this we try and hold it on our own. avoid the conversations and carry our burdens by ourselves. but over and over i could hear him begging me not to carry these burdens alone. that they aren't mine to carry. to allow myself to live freely. to be the child he created me to be. to love and not let heavyness overwhelm. He just wants us to share our hardships with him. To let him hold us. To let it all out. To weep so deeply that we may begin to see where this pain comes from. What drives us to these things.. What drives us away from him?

i'm beginning to really understand his patience.. the depth of his love. and how true his words are when he calls us children of light.

Tonight hunter kept asking what was going on with me.. why i was so happy.

I didn't have an answer but knew in my heart what it was.. I had finally let go. I was no longer carrying the burden. I let him hold me. I let it all out.

I asked why he was asking.

"Because you just look happier. I can't explain it.. It's almost as if you're glowing."

currently listening: "welcome home" by radical face

challenge.

Perception. It is a funny thing.

When we meet others what do we see? What do we know? What do we hold to be true?

I look at those surrounding me in this particular part of my life and wonder if this is who they truly are.. If this wealth and influence is where they are happiest. Truly happy. If they lay at home in bed and breathe a deep breath of joy for the oxygen they feel lift their lungs up and down. Apologies for sounding cynical.. but I get so frustrated with everyone around me accepting everything. Accepting what their parents teach them. What society tells them. Do they think for themselves?

Kant explains it well.. "it is so easy not to be of age. If I have a book which understands for me, a pastor who has a conscience for me, a physician who decides my diet, and so forth, I need not trouble myself. I need not think, if I can only pay - others will readily undertake the irksome work for me."

Does this not send an uncomfortable shiver of difficulty through your body? If only I have money then I need not think for myself. And the most miserable part of it is.. it's true.

In this southern culture I was raised in there are a few things everyone has in common. Christianity, racism, and a distrust for anything that they have not been raised to believe is true. Of course this is a huge assumption but most of the deep southerners I have met fulfill all three requirements.

Why do we accept anything and everything we are told? And more importantly, why are those that are feeding us these ideas not encouraging us to challenge it? If they were truly confident in their own beliefs, they would believe that nothing could disprove them. But instead, they lack the confidence, likely because they don't really know why they believe in it, and they pass the falsehood down.. onto new generations, more generations of people that know nothing. Believe nothing. They have no faith.. because they do not know what they have put their faith in. I firmly believe this is why being a "christian" and racism, etc are so prevalent in our southern culture. If our forefathers encouraged us to challenge racism these people would see how ignorant it is.. and if they encouraged us to challenge the type of christianity they promote.. maybe people would see that legalism and the comfort (or discomfort) of their laws do not match up with the grace that jesus preached.

I did not come to believe in jesus because of my parents or because of the society I was raised in. I challenged it all. And that is when it became my own. Even if our parents are great people that have always tried their best to guide us in truth, we should always challenge. When we do not challenge.. that is where doubt enters. For if we had truly challenged something.. picked it apart, argued with it to the core.. then we would have no doubt. We would either disown the idea or take it to be truth, defending it to the death, because we would truly believe in it.

This is where I began to come into freedom. And this is why the concept is so intrinsically beautiful to me.. all that I believe.. is mine. I believe it. Because I have lived separate from it. I have become my own person. Apart from how I was raised and from those around me. Every part of who I am wants to be my own person. I don't need people to help me see who I am. I love people and seeing who they are.. but that isn't who I am.. that is simply experiencing and learning from others. I constantly tell people not to take what I say to be truth. Who gives me that authority in their lives? I don't want that authority. I only want to share life.. share experiences. And if something I speak rings truth to them.. then great. If not.. then great. It does not change who I am or who they are. It only changes the depth of our relationship.

And maybe I'm wrong.. maybe some people need this freedom that I see in challenging something.. and maybe others experience freedom in accepting everything. So often we want others to be something, someone.. but we rarely want another human being for who they are.. flaws and all.

I am guilty of this.

I want others to want the freedom and truth that I desire. But for some.. their freedom looks different than mine. And maybe another facet to freedom is the acceptance of this truth. That others may simply be free in what I see to be a cage.. like money and wealth. Others may be free in a room with no windows.. with structure and obligations. This is not how I perceive it but who am I to discount another's perception of the beauty that freedom is? Some need rules.. others don't. Freedom may be grasped differently in each individual. Some need conformity. Some need others to follow. Some need someone else to tell them what to think.. feel.. believe. Others rebel.. need freedom in a radical sense. Need freedom without barricades. Need to travel. sense. see. smell. Feel the freedom. Experience it. This is me. This is how I see freedom. The truth of freedom whispers peace over my heart as I sleep and swims in the air that surrounds me as I examine the breath that enters into my lungs. I want to grasp it with every part of my being. I need it. And I'll spend the rest of my life chasing it.

breathe.

I look around at society sometimes.. and am filled with this deep sorrow. It seems as though the busyness of our every day lives infiltrates into our very being.. and it consumes us so much so even when there is nothing to do but to just simply.. be. We can't stand it. We quickly look for another obligation.. another task.. something else to accomplish. Maybe it's to somehow make us feel as though we have worth. Without another accompishment.. this title.. this amount of money, etc.. etc.. the list goes on.

Do we really not see the beauty of this life? Of who we are as people. That the person you just blared your horn at in front of you is a human being. You don't have anywhere to go. Not really. You just feel like time spent in a car with your radio going is time wasted. But is it really wasted?

What if we looked at each moment with value? Not as if they are wasted moments if, in a worldly view, nothing is "accomplished." What if those are the moments we lived for? And we simply miss it because our society tells us that we must go and do and never stop or somehow we are then left worthless. Are we never fully satisfied with where we are in a present moment?

I'm sick of obligations. I'm sick of simply getting a piece of paper that somehow indicates that I'm more capable of a job. I pray that these moments I live in this structured culture don't warp my mind to believe that they are right. That I am nothing without a man that makes X amount of dollars, three kids and a dog in the suburbs. What's next? What then? Is that where true happiness is found?

I have seen too many times with friends and family being completely consumed by these ideas. Forgetting their dreams. Forgetting reality. Forgetting beauty. So what's the point of it all if we lose sight of what is true?

I had a close older friend of mine say to me that the reason I am so free is because I don't have the full responsibility of paying rent, taxes, etc. But if graduating from college and moving onto a job with water and utility responsibilities takes my freedom then I want no part in it. I don't want to get caught up in the legalities of this life. I simply want to be free. Be free to breathe. Be free to walk outside and continue to see the beauty that I see now. And maybe i'm being unreasonable. But why is it unreasonable to want freedom? To want beauty?

Everyone seems to just be in their own world. As I'm observing I look up and see people staring at their cell phones. Or plugging in their ipods.. as if silence is some horrifically displeasing sound. And one thing that kills me is when friendships are literally threatened if you don't pick up your phone everytime someone calls you. Sometimes I just want to chuck that thing out the window. If I look at my phone with no missed calls or text messages I am honestly.. happy. No one to call back. I can continue living without someone later guilting me for "ignoring" them. If only we understood that sometimes people just want to live. I want to live in this present moment. And breathe. Breathe in the air around me.. not the exhaust from cars or the radiation given from cell phone usage. I want to live a life freely. A life without apologizing for really living.. Its ridiculous that we have to apologize for that.

In due time.

We'll finally see.

There's barely time.

For us to breathe.

currently listening: "breathe in" by frou frou

love.

I went grocery shopping today.. and as I was walking towards the register there was a small book stand.. which I usually ignore.. but for some reason decided to look at for a second before I left.  I picked up this level 1 beginner's reading book called "Jesus loves me."  Filled with colorful pictures of jesus playing with children on each page.  Step by step, going through the song "Jesus loves me"

"Jesus loves me, this I know.. For the Bible tells me so.. Little ones to him belong.. they are weak but he is strong..

Yes Jesus loves me.. Yes Jesus loves me.." and so on..

I literally just stood and stared.. as my mind slowed.. trying to play the words in my head without any type of musical tune.  I was in shock at the absolute simplicity of truth within this little children's book.  And he said to me..  

Caroline.. I want you to slow down for a minute here.. really read this.. take this in.. 

take it as truth.. read it until you accept this with every part of you that wants to fight it.. engrain in it your mind so that you will never lose sight of it..  

I love you.  

This is all that you are required to know.  The only thing.. 

that I love you.

Beauty.  

That is all.  That is the absolute only thing we "need" to know.  Everything else is simply me trying to understand why he loves me or how he works exactly, etc.  If we simply took this as truth.  And innocently accepted the love given.. as a child may.. oh what a beautiful world our eyes would be opened to.  To have faith like a child..

A friend led me to a speaker of types recently named Graham Cooke.. he says this:

"I love you as you are.. so be loved.  You are the beloved.. it is your job, says the Lord, to be loved outrageously.. it is why I chose you, and it is why I set my love upon you.. that you would live as one who is outrageously loved. That you would receive a radical love, so radical it will blow all your parodies of what you think love is.."

A shiver literally falls down my spine.  It is our job.. to be loved.  

I sit back and want to cry.  I can't believe that is all I am required to do.. is to be loved.  I think alot of what scares people from living this life of simple freedom is the concept of that love.  We, humans, can not comprehend what it means to be loved unconditionally.. for we, ourselves, are not capable of this love.  So for another being, another thing, perhaps a god of some sort, to love us unconditionally.. knowing every aspect of how wretched we are.. seems unlikely.  But that is the true beauty of this relationship.. he loves anyways.  He loves outrageously nonetheless.  Outrageously.

I think I want to go back to the grocery store and pick up that book.. reminding that no matter what knowledge I may fill my head with.. none of it matters if I lose sight of this love.  None of it.  Knowledge puffs up.  I only desire to know and be in his love.

To live in that outrageous love.. what a gift.