a winged heart.

an awakening of God's presence on a winged heart...

.. beauty.  

Those nine words describe my relationship with jesus like i've never seen.  Feeling that at times my heart is winged.. his pinions cover me.

This poem by Khalil Gibran is so beautiful i can't stand it..

"When love beckons to you.. follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you.. yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love.. you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct that course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

And give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart

And a song of praise upon your lips..."

I had planned to write a response to the deep nature of truth within these lines but simply can not create the words.. can not speak for it's beauty overwhelms.  I pray it's strength may affect you in the same way.

deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls..

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

strangers.

I sometimes wonder if there is something that compels and draws us to others.. Do we have times when we feel pulled to other people? Are our spirits drawn to situations and places.. or is it all just by chance?

I feel that I am drawn to certain people at certain stages of the path that i live.. and they play the most sensational role without even knowing. And whether it be for a prolonged period or not, these conversations and experiences shape me into who I am each moment.

The most beautiful experiences I think we have in life are the moments we have with complete strangers.. I find myself constantly in deep conversation with others.. I think partly because I am always searching for truth.. for new perspectives of life.. but mostly to see the beauty that in lies within others that they have no perception of.

These conversations often times happen with friends but I dearly love the conversations that are with strangers. The fact that in just a few moments I may have an opportunity to see into the depths of someone's heart through conversation and walk away only to never see them again.. is such an incredible gift. If anything, this proves again that we were created for relationship. That we were created for one another.. to live life together.. never in isolation. We have been given to one another in love.

I have faith in the links between all things.. there are few coincidences.. every event has a reason and purpose.

freedom.

freedom (noun) - the state of being free. The condition of being free of restraints. Or at liberty. Personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery. The absence of or release from ties, obligations, etc. The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition. The capacity to exercise choice; free will. Ease or facility of movement. The right to unrestricted use; full access. Exemption from necessity, in choice and action; as, the freedom of the will. Immunity from an obligation or duty.

Synonyms: Freedom, liberty refer to an absence of undue restrictions. Freedom emphasizes the opportunity given for the exercise of one's rights, powers, desires, or the like: freedom of movement. Openness, ingenuousness.

Simply reading the world's definition of freedom.. sends chills down my spine. It is my deepest desire for every person I know to experience that, love that, know this truth. To know that we are already free.. at times we may just need to come into the realization of this freedom.

The encyclopedia states that "in theology: the existence of free will must be reconciled with God's omniscience and goodness (in allowing man to choose badly), and with divine grace, which allegedly is necessary for any meritorious act. A prominent feature of modern existentialism is the concept of a radical, perpetual, and frequently agonizing freedom of choice."

A beautiful description of the overwhelming idea of our free will and God's divine nature encompassing into one motion. We have this free will, yes.. but it's funny how I have this freedom of choice, but can't do anything apart from him.. even if i want to.. even if i try.. there overcomes me this feeling of uneasiness. I could never leave you. I have tasted and seen the deep waters of who you are.. of your goodness. To choose or even ponder choosing something separate or other than what he has shown me is a deeply sickening thought. At times I have literally felt physically ill at the thought but am quickly rescued with the knowing that even if I do stray for a moment, he will divinely intersect. He will draw me back. He is Redeeming Love.

Perhaps the most beautiful thing about this relationship is that he gives us this freedom. This freedom to be.. and to love him. Sometimes there isn't even necessarily a "right" or a "wrong" answer.. he just wants us to choose.. to know that we have a choice.. and to trust that he is there whichever way.

At times we are told by society and perhaps even our own nature tells us that we are not free. That we must accomplish a list of tasks to come close to this "freedom".. but once we are there.. there comes another task to partake. How different would life look if we understood the freedom we already have? If we ran with this idea.

We have this freedom because of his love. So let us simply stand and be in this love. Like falling rain on my face. I can deny that it is there, but how much more intrinsically beautiful is life if we choose live to in it? To dance with it?

Freedom in love my friends.. take & run.

currently listening: "there's never enough time" by postal service

myers briggs.

Extroverted. 

iNtuitive.

Feeling.

Perceptive.

Myers Briggs is a personality type "test" that i have recently come to love.  I have always enjoyed learning about personalities and how people are created differently.  In high school I took a test called the Enneagram which i loved but it seemed to almost magnify my distaste for certain personality types.  This resulted in simply an effort to avoid these "types" of people.  (By the way, I'm a 2)

Call it maturity maybe.. but being turned to myers briggs in more recent months, my eyes have been opened.  The point of the test is to learn more about yourself and your natural tendencies, yes, but more significantly, it is to learn more about others.  To see and understand why people are the way they are.. and to appreciate our differences.  To love people for who they are.. where they are.

I discovered that according to "myers briggs"  I am an ENFP..

(Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency)

I found this to be very accurate in describing my personality (although i am an introverted extrovert.. a cross between the two)

And as I said earlier the types of personalities I would try and avoid might have been the Sensing Thinking Judging type.. Ones who analyze situations logically.. making decisions without emotion, etc..

But talking to Jesus about it.. I felt him whisper over me..

caroline.. I am all encompassing.  I am everything.  I am both a thinker and a feeler.  Both sensing and intuitive.  Both judging and perceiving.  Both introverted and extroverted.. and I want you to be more like me.  Appreciate these differences.  Love these differences.  Learn from them.  Learn from them so you may become more like me.  This is sanctification my love.  And this is my desire for you..

Awe-struck.  

It all makes sense.  We are to be centered.  Not completely wayward one way or another.  

I can not describe to you the amount of appreciation I then received for my "thinking" friends, to which before this I, at times, wanted to strangle out of frustration for our differences.

Loving Jesus, and having an emotional response to his greatness has always come easily to me.  For this is the way he created me.  And he loves that about me.  But that doesn't mean we're done.  This is only the beginning.  Now I am constantly being challenged to learn the how and why Jesus deserves this great emotional response.  The facts about our creator that glorify that greatness.  (And as I have fearfully asked for this knowledge, believe me he is providing.. especially with dear "thinking" friends that aren't afraid to challenge me :)

I am eternally grateful for differences.. "Discovering the qualities that distinguish someone from everyone else is an essential aspect of my personal search for truth."

currently listening: "on ice" by chris thile

honesty.

What if we all really said what we were thinking in each moment? What type of society would that create?

The lack of confidence and honesty within our every day lives frustrates me ultimately. Striving to obtain a complete genuine nature has been a goal of upmost importance in my life. I won't say something, and own it unless I genuinely believe in it.. no matter how uncomfortable it may make me. This may sound like a dangerous path but I have found that the more honest I am in my daily life, in speaking or not, the more at peace I become. And having this co-union with jesus is an incredible gift.. communing with him in every moment is something i can not put into words to describe. If we are having this type of a relationship with him, why should we fear what we express?

Maybe why people don't genuinely say what they mean and mean what they say.. is simply because they are fearful of who they are. They may not even like who they are. I just want to scream to them that they are completely loved.. right here.. right now. They need not worry about what I think, what others think. Honesty could not possibly be some type of a road to disaster. If anything at all, it would create an awareness of our unconscious mind. An awareness that can only benefit us and our thoughts in the future. If I am not honest with myself about my inner most thoughts.. what is the point in being honest about anything?

currently listening: "jerusalem" by matisyahu

nature.

"In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous." - Aristotle(I took this recently at a spot overlooking birmingham.. sometimes the most magnificent things in nature are right before our eyes.. we are just unaware..)

I am constantly finding myself in complete awe of the beauty that is creation.  This greatness that surrounds us daily..  it lures me.  Sometimes as I walk to class and look up at the huge majesty of great oaks and the sky that envelops this world we live in.. I look around and wonder if anyone really sees what's going on.. what is really going on around us.  The absolute depth and elegance of creation and the power of how strongly it testifies that there is something bigger.. Someone stronger.

And it ultimately frustrates me how 'ignorant' we are to this beauty.. this magnificence.  At times I feel as though I am the only one that cares, the only one that desires to feel connected to the Father through so many avenues that the idea of abusing something that he has created with his own two hands.. irks me.  And I know this can't be true, there are plenty of people that see God, but it truly pains me when I see how so much of this life is a joke to people.  When will they see?  When will their eyes be opened?  Will their eyes be opened?

desire.

I recently went without meat for two months.  A completely unplanned venture, but a learning experience nonetheless.  The choice was not because of a fear of eating meat or a belief that the life of an animal is sacred, although I am constantly infuriated with the way that animals are treated today, I understand that we have dominion over animals.  It started as a commitment of sorts to not partake in the eating of meat for three weeks.. during these three weeks however, I started to discover that it was not as difficult for me to abstain from meat.  

do i even really like meat?  do i enjoy eating it?  or do i simply tell myself that meat is a substance i need because society tells me that i need it?

How do we know what we want.. what we desire?  

I often find myself, in my own world, consuming this, partaking in that.. completely unaware of what I am even doing.  Our minds have been trained to take whatever is placed before us as truth..  accept society's standards, don't question anything or you'll be looked upon as foolish.

Sadly, I have this attitude towards so many areas in my life.. even my faith.  God wants us to question him.. to ask him questions, to really know him.  To own this faith as our own.  Not as someone else perceives him to be.

healing.

Ignorance is bliss.  

This may be true.. yet who really desires to live and be in a state of ignorance?

Recently having been convicted of a certain guilt and shame clinging onto my spirit from my past.. this phrase rang in my mind.  

Why God would you bring forth such pain that I had buried in the depths of my soul?  Such deep scars that the thought of this certain pain had left the consciousness of my mind?  

because I love you caroline,  I only desire true intimacy with you.. not part of you, but with every aspect of who you are, who you were, who you're going to be..

It is as if there was this virus of deep sorrow swimming in my body.. and after years of living in sickness, my body has expelled this "virus" from me.   And now I am left with my vomit.. to piece through and wonder how I could have let this sickness unconsciously consume me.. keep me from this great intimacy.. this deeper intimacy.. real truth.

So can ignorance truly be bliss?  In no way.  Ignorance eats at us daily.. I desire only to run fiercely in the opposite direction.. to run towards truth.  awareness.  love.

This is a self portrait (and no i was not naked..) of this healing.. of Him drawing me out of the deep sadness that I still cling onto.. afraid of the unconditional love he offers instead.

In the midst of this healing, I am thankful that he desires our faith.  our trust.  because although it may be easy to rely on our emotional response to his greatness.. we are in no way capable of loving him in the way he deserves.  He wants us to trust him in the midst of sadness and fear.. the love will come, but first we must trust.

In between these written lines.. hides everything undefined.

I've been carrying this inside my pocket.. 

and my leg is chafing from the weight of it all.. chafing from the weight of it all

Explanations of what might have been, always depends on the open ends

The un-kept drawers and dusty lofts, the hanging cobwebs conceal all that's lost..

Beat out the truth in your tin made heart, pull back the edges, reveal the tart

The taste of pain over and over again.. I'm not who I thought I was, something worse I've hid from you.  

I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm sorry I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm trying, I'm sorry, it's hard to fit what's right.

currently listening: "hard to fit" by the bypass

www.bypassmusic.com

No rest.

Let's pray exposure is not as scary as we sometimes paint it to be.  Transparency is not valued enough in our society.. how different our world would look if we simply stood confidently "exposed" in who we truly are.

Been up on an insomniac spree lately, sleeping 45 minutes here and there.. decided to finally make one of these..

"produce in me self-despair that will make Jesus precious to me, delightful in all his offices, pleasurable in all his ways, and may i love his commands as well as his promises.."

currently listening: "up on a mountain" by the welcome wagon

(love their folky taste :)