challenge.

Perception. It is a funny thing.

When we meet others what do we see? What do we know? What do we hold to be true?

I look at those surrounding me in this particular part of my life and wonder if this is who they truly are.. If this wealth and influence is where they are happiest. Truly happy. If they lay at home in bed and breathe a deep breath of joy for the oxygen they feel lift their lungs up and down. Apologies for sounding cynical.. but I get so frustrated with everyone around me accepting everything. Accepting what their parents teach them. What society tells them. Do they think for themselves?

Kant explains it well.. "it is so easy not to be of age. If I have a book which understands for me, a pastor who has a conscience for me, a physician who decides my diet, and so forth, I need not trouble myself. I need not think, if I can only pay - others will readily undertake the irksome work for me."

Does this not send an uncomfortable shiver of difficulty through your body? If only I have money then I need not think for myself. And the most miserable part of it is.. it's true.

In this southern culture I was raised in there are a few things everyone has in common. Christianity, racism, and a distrust for anything that they have not been raised to believe is true. Of course this is a huge assumption but most of the deep southerners I have met fulfill all three requirements.

Why do we accept anything and everything we are told? And more importantly, why are those that are feeding us these ideas not encouraging us to challenge it? If they were truly confident in their own beliefs, they would believe that nothing could disprove them. But instead, they lack the confidence, likely because they don't really know why they believe in it, and they pass the falsehood down.. onto new generations, more generations of people that know nothing. Believe nothing. They have no faith.. because they do not know what they have put their faith in. I firmly believe this is why being a "christian" and racism, etc are so prevalent in our southern culture. If our forefathers encouraged us to challenge racism these people would see how ignorant it is.. and if they encouraged us to challenge the type of christianity they promote.. maybe people would see that legalism and the comfort (or discomfort) of their laws do not match up with the grace that jesus preached.

I did not come to believe in jesus because of my parents or because of the society I was raised in. I challenged it all. And that is when it became my own. Even if our parents are great people that have always tried their best to guide us in truth, we should always challenge. When we do not challenge.. that is where doubt enters. For if we had truly challenged something.. picked it apart, argued with it to the core.. then we would have no doubt. We would either disown the idea or take it to be truth, defending it to the death, because we would truly believe in it.

This is where I began to come into freedom. And this is why the concept is so intrinsically beautiful to me.. all that I believe.. is mine. I believe it. Because I have lived separate from it. I have become my own person. Apart from how I was raised and from those around me. Every part of who I am wants to be my own person. I don't need people to help me see who I am. I love people and seeing who they are.. but that isn't who I am.. that is simply experiencing and learning from others. I constantly tell people not to take what I say to be truth. Who gives me that authority in their lives? I don't want that authority. I only want to share life.. share experiences. And if something I speak rings truth to them.. then great. If not.. then great. It does not change who I am or who they are. It only changes the depth of our relationship.

And maybe I'm wrong.. maybe some people need this freedom that I see in challenging something.. and maybe others experience freedom in accepting everything. So often we want others to be something, someone.. but we rarely want another human being for who they are.. flaws and all.

I am guilty of this.

I want others to want the freedom and truth that I desire. But for some.. their freedom looks different than mine. And maybe another facet to freedom is the acceptance of this truth. That others may simply be free in what I see to be a cage.. like money and wealth. Others may be free in a room with no windows.. with structure and obligations. This is not how I perceive it but who am I to discount another's perception of the beauty that freedom is? Some need rules.. others don't. Freedom may be grasped differently in each individual. Some need conformity. Some need others to follow. Some need someone else to tell them what to think.. feel.. believe. Others rebel.. need freedom in a radical sense. Need freedom without barricades. Need to travel. sense. see. smell. Feel the freedom. Experience it. This is me. This is how I see freedom. The truth of freedom whispers peace over my heart as I sleep and swims in the air that surrounds me as I examine the breath that enters into my lungs. I want to grasp it with every part of my being. I need it. And I'll spend the rest of my life chasing it.

breathe.

I look around at society sometimes.. and am filled with this deep sorrow. It seems as though the busyness of our every day lives infiltrates into our very being.. and it consumes us so much so even when there is nothing to do but to just simply.. be. We can't stand it. We quickly look for another obligation.. another task.. something else to accomplish. Maybe it's to somehow make us feel as though we have worth. Without another accompishment.. this title.. this amount of money, etc.. etc.. the list goes on.

Do we really not see the beauty of this life? Of who we are as people. That the person you just blared your horn at in front of you is a human being. You don't have anywhere to go. Not really. You just feel like time spent in a car with your radio going is time wasted. But is it really wasted?

What if we looked at each moment with value? Not as if they are wasted moments if, in a worldly view, nothing is "accomplished." What if those are the moments we lived for? And we simply miss it because our society tells us that we must go and do and never stop or somehow we are then left worthless. Are we never fully satisfied with where we are in a present moment?

I'm sick of obligations. I'm sick of simply getting a piece of paper that somehow indicates that I'm more capable of a job. I pray that these moments I live in this structured culture don't warp my mind to believe that they are right. That I am nothing without a man that makes X amount of dollars, three kids and a dog in the suburbs. What's next? What then? Is that where true happiness is found?

I have seen too many times with friends and family being completely consumed by these ideas. Forgetting their dreams. Forgetting reality. Forgetting beauty. So what's the point of it all if we lose sight of what is true?

I had a close older friend of mine say to me that the reason I am so free is because I don't have the full responsibility of paying rent, taxes, etc. But if graduating from college and moving onto a job with water and utility responsibilities takes my freedom then I want no part in it. I don't want to get caught up in the legalities of this life. I simply want to be free. Be free to breathe. Be free to walk outside and continue to see the beauty that I see now. And maybe i'm being unreasonable. But why is it unreasonable to want freedom? To want beauty?

Everyone seems to just be in their own world. As I'm observing I look up and see people staring at their cell phones. Or plugging in their ipods.. as if silence is some horrifically displeasing sound. And one thing that kills me is when friendships are literally threatened if you don't pick up your phone everytime someone calls you. Sometimes I just want to chuck that thing out the window. If I look at my phone with no missed calls or text messages I am honestly.. happy. No one to call back. I can continue living without someone later guilting me for "ignoring" them. If only we understood that sometimes people just want to live. I want to live in this present moment. And breathe. Breathe in the air around me.. not the exhaust from cars or the radiation given from cell phone usage. I want to live a life freely. A life without apologizing for really living.. Its ridiculous that we have to apologize for that.

In due time.

We'll finally see.

There's barely time.

For us to breathe.

currently listening: "breathe in" by frou frou

love.

I went grocery shopping today.. and as I was walking towards the register there was a small book stand.. which I usually ignore.. but for some reason decided to look at for a second before I left.  I picked up this level 1 beginner's reading book called "Jesus loves me."  Filled with colorful pictures of jesus playing with children on each page.  Step by step, going through the song "Jesus loves me"

"Jesus loves me, this I know.. For the Bible tells me so.. Little ones to him belong.. they are weak but he is strong..

Yes Jesus loves me.. Yes Jesus loves me.." and so on..

I literally just stood and stared.. as my mind slowed.. trying to play the words in my head without any type of musical tune.  I was in shock at the absolute simplicity of truth within this little children's book.  And he said to me..  

Caroline.. I want you to slow down for a minute here.. really read this.. take this in.. 

take it as truth.. read it until you accept this with every part of you that wants to fight it.. engrain in it your mind so that you will never lose sight of it..  

I love you.  

This is all that you are required to know.  The only thing.. 

that I love you.

Beauty.  

That is all.  That is the absolute only thing we "need" to know.  Everything else is simply me trying to understand why he loves me or how he works exactly, etc.  If we simply took this as truth.  And innocently accepted the love given.. as a child may.. oh what a beautiful world our eyes would be opened to.  To have faith like a child..

A friend led me to a speaker of types recently named Graham Cooke.. he says this:

"I love you as you are.. so be loved.  You are the beloved.. it is your job, says the Lord, to be loved outrageously.. it is why I chose you, and it is why I set my love upon you.. that you would live as one who is outrageously loved. That you would receive a radical love, so radical it will blow all your parodies of what you think love is.."

A shiver literally falls down my spine.  It is our job.. to be loved.  

I sit back and want to cry.  I can't believe that is all I am required to do.. is to be loved.  I think alot of what scares people from living this life of simple freedom is the concept of that love.  We, humans, can not comprehend what it means to be loved unconditionally.. for we, ourselves, are not capable of this love.  So for another being, another thing, perhaps a god of some sort, to love us unconditionally.. knowing every aspect of how wretched we are.. seems unlikely.  But that is the true beauty of this relationship.. he loves anyways.  He loves outrageously nonetheless.  Outrageously.

I think I want to go back to the grocery store and pick up that book.. reminding that no matter what knowledge I may fill my head with.. none of it matters if I lose sight of this love.  None of it.  Knowledge puffs up.  I only desire to know and be in his love.

To live in that outrageous love.. what a gift.

grace.

When I look back on the different seasons in my life I laugh at the clear growth that appears as I reflect. From an early stage of wanting to rebel against everything.. thinking I was so mature drinking at age 14, etc.. Then finding jesus.. and out of fear of falling back into my old ways.. falling into this type of "legalism" instead. And then.. finally.. finding freedom.

The most frustrated I get when I look back however is when I look at this "legalistic" period of my life. I was supposed to have been set free. But instead, because of what our world tells us how christians are supposed to live.. I chose otherwise. And to most, it may not have even seemed like legalism. But for my free-spirited self.. it definitely was. Forcing myself to sit down and read my bible every morning for X amount of time, while not even talking to jesus.. (I mean really talking) Telling myself even when I did turn 21 I wasn't going to drink alcohol. Not befriending guys because of the false belief that guys and girls can't be "just friends".. the list goes on and on.

And I can truthfully say that although I may have had jesus at this point. I was miserable. Completely. Constantly feeling condemned. I might have told you I had grace. I might have said that I felt love. And at times I did feel love.. but I didn't have a single bit of an aspect of what true grace was. I was deathly afraid of falling back into drinking again. I had lived that way for so long, it didn't seem unlikely that I wouldn't. (and it didn't help that many around me didn't have faith that this jesus "kick" would last for long)

It's almost as if I needed to go to both extremes. Go from being consumed by the alcohol and drugs.. a life apart from God. Then to the other.. being completely consumed with constantly reading christian literature.. music.. legalistically living my life "for God." And the truth was.. I wasn't really living that part of my life "for God." I was living it for myself. Telling myself that living a life with jesus was one filled with rules and works.. that I needed to "please" him by living by these guidelines. Say any of this to a legalistic christian and they will deny it, because they know with their minds that's not what the gospel says. But if they got honest with themselves.. really asked why they were so afraid of finding truth in non-christian books.. non-christian music.. they would begin to see that their hearts are what don't understand grace. Knowing that the "law" causes sin.. and that we aren't called to live under the law.. but under grace. Now, don't misunderstand me and run off thinking I'm saying to go live like heathens. No.. again, if we truly understood grace. And lived in a life of love with jesus.. we wouldn't even be having this conversation. We would, out of love, simply want to live in this union with him.. wanting to find him in whatever avenue we could find. And even if we did end up in sin, we would know that we would be redeemed and forgiven. We would simply be free to live. Free to live in grace. God is never disappointed in us. We have jesus.. so why do we live our lives in fear of disappointing him?

When we live apart from grace. Apart from knowing that we have choices. We are living in the lie that this life has anything to do with the way we live. Our faults, our ambitions. And when we live that way, we don't understand grace.

They are afraid of being fearless.

A paradox.. but seems to be true in observing the way they live.. they are afraid of messing up and somehow not receiving forgiveness.

Now.. having this freedom.. I can't imagine living life any other way. Living a life in fear. I am so much happier living boldly in freedom. Never becoming tame. Knowing he loves outrageously whichever way I choose.

I know I used to have a "problem" with alcohol.. (I call it searching for love) but I don't need to be afraid of turning 21 and suddenly falling back into my "old ways." I am set apart from my old ways.. who I used to be. We have choices. And while i may or may not end up drinking.. I have the choice. I have the freedom to choose. That is what grace is. Knowing that he has set us free of every curse. Of every possible sin.. so we no longer live in the fear of committing sins.. but instead..

We live in grace.

In freedom.

In love.

names.

I have recently discovered the depth and meaning to our names..

It is amazing how the nature of our world works.. how things we seemingly have no choice about, as in what we are named, are a part of us.  Become a part of us.  Unconsciously nonetheless.

Caroline - joy, song of happiness

Marie - rebellion; wished for child; bitter

Love - an intense feeling of deep affection; a person or thing that one loves.

I feel as though my name, in many ways, is extremely fitting.  Constantly striving or wanting to be a type of "song of happiness" foremost.. then rebellion, has always been a part of my spirit.. and love, to encompass every aspect of my being.

It's hard to explain but am literally in utter shock of how this awakens such awareness to my existential mind.  I have always loved people and loved people through being silly and having fun with one another.  Living joyfully and freely.. there meaning, the fact that I am named joy or song of happiness.. makes so much sense.

But the name that rings deeply in my soul is Marie.. rebellion..

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this knows me and most likely knows the nature of who I used to be, who I have become, and who I am becoming.  But I clearly have always had an extremely rebellious nature.  Desiring, somehow, to be different.  Clawing at life to pull myself out of the lifestyle I was raised in.  I mean, who runs to drugs and alcohol as a thirteen year old?  All through my adolescence this rebellion consumed me.  And while it may seem like a negative name to stamp a child with..  It is intrinsically beautiful to me.  Jesus named me this.  And all with the knowing of my capability to love him outrageously and radically.  To have my rebellious nature take on loving him and living life with him for the purpose of showing others that life with him isn't one within four walls of fear.  But one bursting forth with freedom.  Every day I notice how even some of the most deeply loving believers are afraid of living this life of freedom with him.. And it's funny because I think alot of this hesitation is due to fear.  And the safest place we can be is under his wings, his pinions.. running in freedom.  It's almost an oxymoron.. when we finally choose to let ourselves live freely.. to be outrageous, radical.. 

that is when we are safest.

I feel as if he wants me to rebel against everything that our world has culturized him to be.  What the church has done to show his supposed love.. and be this radical example of love.  To give of oneself for others.  To rebel against the lies we tell ourselves about him.. against the lies that our world tells us about him.

I once had a friend say to me to pray for release from this name since it held such a "negative nature".  Immediately my soul did not sit right with this.  What others may see as some type of "curse" or unlikable name.. he continues to affirm as almost a calling upon my life.  To take what might have been meant for negative or unruly purposes.. and use as this incredible force of strength to push past all the stereotypes of what a life for him looks like.  Afterall, one of my favorite quotes is.. "if james dean was a rebel without a cause.. then jesus was a rebel with one."  :)

And to wrap it all up.. 

Love.  

The greatest among these is love.  

All you need is love.  

Love is all you need.  

God is love.  

To be reminded of why I was created.. what I was created in.. every day.  

What our purpose is.. to receive & give love.. 

simply. 

love.

playing.

I was at a "dance" party of sorts last night.  Complete chaos.  I loved it.  

I could dance.. be my complete self without a care in the world.  No care of what others thought.  No care of how completely sweaty I was.  No care of what others thought of how insane I dance at times.  It's just me and jesus.  He created this world for us to have fun with.  To play.  And he wants us to.. oh how he wants us to.  I think sometimes he just wants to yell.. hey!  none of these illusions  or barriers you are setting up for yourself are important.  Not a single one of them.  Just play.  and be with me.  

So why don't we?  Act silly just to make others around you question if you are mentally stable.  It's hilarious.  This life that he has given is far too short not to.  Roll down the top of your convertible and scream.  Be those obnoxious people in line that people roll their eyes at.  Walk around barefoot even if people look at you like you can't afford shoes.

Be free.

currently listening:  "everyday is a winding road" by sheryl crow..

(don't judge.. well i wouldn't blame you.. I probably would too.. BUT for this season.. this moment.. it's too much fun

"jump in, let's go

lay back, enjoy the show

everybody gets high, everybody gets low

these are the days when anything goes.."

whoever thought sheryl crow could have slightly deep & insightful lyrics?)

anyways.. jesus & i have been dancing to this all morning

one of my friends told me recently "haha i can just see you dancing alone to that!  you and God are totally your own best company.."  mmm.. so true :)

desperate.

Although it may seem cliche.. this is truly how much I need confirmation and reassurance from him constantly.  I am literally desperate for it.  Reminders.  New words.  New promises.  They keep me going.

Why do we continue to return to our own vomit?  To re-learn the same lessons, the same sins over and over again.  Sometimes I disgust myself.  

I walk away from a situation feeling as though I have gained great insight.. 

thank you jesus for showing me this, etc..

And here I am.. yet again.. left to stare and return to my vomit.  To my sin again.  Trying to piece together how I could allow myself to get back here?  To take steps backwards.

I was introduced to a new concept in more recent months that maybe the more we continue to sin the same "sin".. the more joyous jesus becomes.  Because each time we sin we are that much closer to being set free from it.  Or not technically "being set free" but finally receiving the understanding of the freedom we already have..  life process.  And although ultimately frustrating, completely necessary.

We tell ourselves that we aren't worthy of moving past certain issues.. that we will simply have to live this way.  But this is not what he has in mind for us.  He continues to reveal to us in more & more situations.. he continues to show more ways he wants us to set us free from the lies we tell ourselves.  To point out what plagues us.. to help us take the freedom he gives and push past the lies.

I am ever grateful for freedom.  I slowly try to understand it.. to completely wrap myself in it.  But I take the knowing that I may never understand it fully.  It's beautiful that way.