healing.

my head has been throbbing all day.

the rush of blood and release of tension is almost too much for my brain to handle.

On most days I let my heart do the thinking.. maybe thats why the push to detach my heart and make the decision I know needs to be made is so difficult. And despite the pain.. I am joyful for these wounds. I can't explain it.. but the simple fact that I can feel jesus weeping with me is enough. To know that he is present with me.. and wants to experience my pain with me.

I went to barnes and noble today and opened up a book of lord byrons.. the first poem was entitled

To Caroline:

"Think'st thou I saw thy beauteous eyes,

Suffused in tears, implore to stay;

And heard unmoved thy plenteous sighs,

Which said far more than words can say

Though keen the grief thy tears exprest,

When love and hope lay both overthrown;

Yet still, my girl, this bleeding breast

Throbbed, with deep sorrow, as thine own.

But, when our cheeks with anguish glowed

When thy sweet lips were joined to mine;

The tears that from my eyelids flowed

Were lost in those which fell from thine.

Thou could'st not feel my burning cheek,

Thy gushing tears had quenched its flame,

And, as thy tongue essay'd to speak,

In sighs alone it breathed my name.."

i almost began weeping right there in the store as i heard jesus speak these words over me. i know i can't even begin to comprehend how much he loves us.. but that he wants to join in my tears. wants to feel my weak heart with me. to whisper to me my darling, you are not alone. it's overwhelming.

I think so many of us believe that he is bigger than to want to share in our pain. or that if we share, he'll just prematurely make us "do the right thing".. And because of this we try and hold it on our own. avoid the conversations and carry our burdens by ourselves. but over and over i could hear him begging me not to carry these burdens alone. that they aren't mine to carry. to allow myself to live freely. to be the child he created me to be. to love and not let heavyness overwhelm. He just wants us to share our hardships with him. To let him hold us. To let it all out. To weep so deeply that we may begin to see where this pain comes from. What drives us to these things.. What drives us away from him?

i'm beginning to really understand his patience.. the depth of his love. and how true his words are when he calls us children of light.

Tonight hunter kept asking what was going on with me.. why i was so happy.

I didn't have an answer but knew in my heart what it was.. I had finally let go. I was no longer carrying the burden. I let him hold me. I let it all out.

I asked why he was asking.

"Because you just look happier. I can't explain it.. It's almost as if you're glowing."

currently listening: "welcome home" by radical face

challenge.

Perception. It is a funny thing.

When we meet others what do we see? What do we know? What do we hold to be true?

I look at those surrounding me in this particular part of my life and wonder if this is who they truly are.. If this wealth and influence is where they are happiest. Truly happy. If they lay at home in bed and breathe a deep breath of joy for the oxygen they feel lift their lungs up and down. Apologies for sounding cynical.. but I get so frustrated with everyone around me accepting everything. Accepting what their parents teach them. What society tells them. Do they think for themselves?

Kant explains it well.. "it is so easy not to be of age. If I have a book which understands for me, a pastor who has a conscience for me, a physician who decides my diet, and so forth, I need not trouble myself. I need not think, if I can only pay - others will readily undertake the irksome work for me."

Does this not send an uncomfortable shiver of difficulty through your body? If only I have money then I need not think for myself. And the most miserable part of it is.. it's true.

In this southern culture I was raised in there are a few things everyone has in common. Christianity, racism, and a distrust for anything that they have not been raised to believe is true. Of course this is a huge assumption but most of the deep southerners I have met fulfill all three requirements.

Why do we accept anything and everything we are told? And more importantly, why are those that are feeding us these ideas not encouraging us to challenge it? If they were truly confident in their own beliefs, they would believe that nothing could disprove them. But instead, they lack the confidence, likely because they don't really know why they believe in it, and they pass the falsehood down.. onto new generations, more generations of people that know nothing. Believe nothing. They have no faith.. because they do not know what they have put their faith in. I firmly believe this is why being a "christian" and racism, etc are so prevalent in our southern culture. If our forefathers encouraged us to challenge racism these people would see how ignorant it is.. and if they encouraged us to challenge the type of christianity they promote.. maybe people would see that legalism and the comfort (or discomfort) of their laws do not match up with the grace that jesus preached.

I did not come to believe in jesus because of my parents or because of the society I was raised in. I challenged it all. And that is when it became my own. Even if our parents are great people that have always tried their best to guide us in truth, we should always challenge. When we do not challenge.. that is where doubt enters. For if we had truly challenged something.. picked it apart, argued with it to the core.. then we would have no doubt. We would either disown the idea or take it to be truth, defending it to the death, because we would truly believe in it.

This is where I began to come into freedom. And this is why the concept is so intrinsically beautiful to me.. all that I believe.. is mine. I believe it. Because I have lived separate from it. I have become my own person. Apart from how I was raised and from those around me. Every part of who I am wants to be my own person. I don't need people to help me see who I am. I love people and seeing who they are.. but that isn't who I am.. that is simply experiencing and learning from others. I constantly tell people not to take what I say to be truth. Who gives me that authority in their lives? I don't want that authority. I only want to share life.. share experiences. And if something I speak rings truth to them.. then great. If not.. then great. It does not change who I am or who they are. It only changes the depth of our relationship.

And maybe I'm wrong.. maybe some people need this freedom that I see in challenging something.. and maybe others experience freedom in accepting everything. So often we want others to be something, someone.. but we rarely want another human being for who they are.. flaws and all.

I am guilty of this.

I want others to want the freedom and truth that I desire. But for some.. their freedom looks different than mine. And maybe another facet to freedom is the acceptance of this truth. That others may simply be free in what I see to be a cage.. like money and wealth. Others may be free in a room with no windows.. with structure and obligations. This is not how I perceive it but who am I to discount another's perception of the beauty that freedom is? Some need rules.. others don't. Freedom may be grasped differently in each individual. Some need conformity. Some need others to follow. Some need someone else to tell them what to think.. feel.. believe. Others rebel.. need freedom in a radical sense. Need freedom without barricades. Need to travel. sense. see. smell. Feel the freedom. Experience it. This is me. This is how I see freedom. The truth of freedom whispers peace over my heart as I sleep and swims in the air that surrounds me as I examine the breath that enters into my lungs. I want to grasp it with every part of my being. I need it. And I'll spend the rest of my life chasing it.

breathe.

I look around at society sometimes.. and am filled with this deep sorrow. It seems as though the busyness of our every day lives infiltrates into our very being.. and it consumes us so much so even when there is nothing to do but to just simply.. be. We can't stand it. We quickly look for another obligation.. another task.. something else to accomplish. Maybe it's to somehow make us feel as though we have worth. Without another accompishment.. this title.. this amount of money, etc.. etc.. the list goes on.

Do we really not see the beauty of this life? Of who we are as people. That the person you just blared your horn at in front of you is a human being. You don't have anywhere to go. Not really. You just feel like time spent in a car with your radio going is time wasted. But is it really wasted?

What if we looked at each moment with value? Not as if they are wasted moments if, in a worldly view, nothing is "accomplished." What if those are the moments we lived for? And we simply miss it because our society tells us that we must go and do and never stop or somehow we are then left worthless. Are we never fully satisfied with where we are in a present moment?

I'm sick of obligations. I'm sick of simply getting a piece of paper that somehow indicates that I'm more capable of a job. I pray that these moments I live in this structured culture don't warp my mind to believe that they are right. That I am nothing without a man that makes X amount of dollars, three kids and a dog in the suburbs. What's next? What then? Is that where true happiness is found?

I have seen too many times with friends and family being completely consumed by these ideas. Forgetting their dreams. Forgetting reality. Forgetting beauty. So what's the point of it all if we lose sight of what is true?

I had a close older friend of mine say to me that the reason I am so free is because I don't have the full responsibility of paying rent, taxes, etc. But if graduating from college and moving onto a job with water and utility responsibilities takes my freedom then I want no part in it. I don't want to get caught up in the legalities of this life. I simply want to be free. Be free to breathe. Be free to walk outside and continue to see the beauty that I see now. And maybe i'm being unreasonable. But why is it unreasonable to want freedom? To want beauty?

Everyone seems to just be in their own world. As I'm observing I look up and see people staring at their cell phones. Or plugging in their ipods.. as if silence is some horrifically displeasing sound. And one thing that kills me is when friendships are literally threatened if you don't pick up your phone everytime someone calls you. Sometimes I just want to chuck that thing out the window. If I look at my phone with no missed calls or text messages I am honestly.. happy. No one to call back. I can continue living without someone later guilting me for "ignoring" them. If only we understood that sometimes people just want to live. I want to live in this present moment. And breathe. Breathe in the air around me.. not the exhaust from cars or the radiation given from cell phone usage. I want to live a life freely. A life without apologizing for really living.. Its ridiculous that we have to apologize for that.

In due time.

We'll finally see.

There's barely time.

For us to breathe.

currently listening: "breathe in" by frou frou

love.

I went grocery shopping today.. and as I was walking towards the register there was a small book stand.. which I usually ignore.. but for some reason decided to look at for a second before I left.  I picked up this level 1 beginner's reading book called "Jesus loves me."  Filled with colorful pictures of jesus playing with children on each page.  Step by step, going through the song "Jesus loves me"

"Jesus loves me, this I know.. For the Bible tells me so.. Little ones to him belong.. they are weak but he is strong..

Yes Jesus loves me.. Yes Jesus loves me.." and so on..

I literally just stood and stared.. as my mind slowed.. trying to play the words in my head without any type of musical tune.  I was in shock at the absolute simplicity of truth within this little children's book.  And he said to me..  

Caroline.. I want you to slow down for a minute here.. really read this.. take this in.. 

take it as truth.. read it until you accept this with every part of you that wants to fight it.. engrain in it your mind so that you will never lose sight of it..  

I love you.  

This is all that you are required to know.  The only thing.. 

that I love you.

Beauty.  

That is all.  That is the absolute only thing we "need" to know.  Everything else is simply me trying to understand why he loves me or how he works exactly, etc.  If we simply took this as truth.  And innocently accepted the love given.. as a child may.. oh what a beautiful world our eyes would be opened to.  To have faith like a child..

A friend led me to a speaker of types recently named Graham Cooke.. he says this:

"I love you as you are.. so be loved.  You are the beloved.. it is your job, says the Lord, to be loved outrageously.. it is why I chose you, and it is why I set my love upon you.. that you would live as one who is outrageously loved. That you would receive a radical love, so radical it will blow all your parodies of what you think love is.."

A shiver literally falls down my spine.  It is our job.. to be loved.  

I sit back and want to cry.  I can't believe that is all I am required to do.. is to be loved.  I think alot of what scares people from living this life of simple freedom is the concept of that love.  We, humans, can not comprehend what it means to be loved unconditionally.. for we, ourselves, are not capable of this love.  So for another being, another thing, perhaps a god of some sort, to love us unconditionally.. knowing every aspect of how wretched we are.. seems unlikely.  But that is the true beauty of this relationship.. he loves anyways.  He loves outrageously nonetheless.  Outrageously.

I think I want to go back to the grocery store and pick up that book.. reminding that no matter what knowledge I may fill my head with.. none of it matters if I lose sight of this love.  None of it.  Knowledge puffs up.  I only desire to know and be in his love.

To live in that outrageous love.. what a gift.

grace.

When I look back on the different seasons in my life I laugh at the clear growth that appears as I reflect. From an early stage of wanting to rebel against everything.. thinking I was so mature drinking at age 14, etc.. Then finding jesus.. and out of fear of falling back into my old ways.. falling into this type of "legalism" instead. And then.. finally.. finding freedom.

The most frustrated I get when I look back however is when I look at this "legalistic" period of my life. I was supposed to have been set free. But instead, because of what our world tells us how christians are supposed to live.. I chose otherwise. And to most, it may not have even seemed like legalism. But for my free-spirited self.. it definitely was. Forcing myself to sit down and read my bible every morning for X amount of time, while not even talking to jesus.. (I mean really talking) Telling myself even when I did turn 21 I wasn't going to drink alcohol. Not befriending guys because of the false belief that guys and girls can't be "just friends".. the list goes on and on.

And I can truthfully say that although I may have had jesus at this point. I was miserable. Completely. Constantly feeling condemned. I might have told you I had grace. I might have said that I felt love. And at times I did feel love.. but I didn't have a single bit of an aspect of what true grace was. I was deathly afraid of falling back into drinking again. I had lived that way for so long, it didn't seem unlikely that I wouldn't. (and it didn't help that many around me didn't have faith that this jesus "kick" would last for long)

It's almost as if I needed to go to both extremes. Go from being consumed by the alcohol and drugs.. a life apart from God. Then to the other.. being completely consumed with constantly reading christian literature.. music.. legalistically living my life "for God." And the truth was.. I wasn't really living that part of my life "for God." I was living it for myself. Telling myself that living a life with jesus was one filled with rules and works.. that I needed to "please" him by living by these guidelines. Say any of this to a legalistic christian and they will deny it, because they know with their minds that's not what the gospel says. But if they got honest with themselves.. really asked why they were so afraid of finding truth in non-christian books.. non-christian music.. they would begin to see that their hearts are what don't understand grace. Knowing that the "law" causes sin.. and that we aren't called to live under the law.. but under grace. Now, don't misunderstand me and run off thinking I'm saying to go live like heathens. No.. again, if we truly understood grace. And lived in a life of love with jesus.. we wouldn't even be having this conversation. We would, out of love, simply want to live in this union with him.. wanting to find him in whatever avenue we could find. And even if we did end up in sin, we would know that we would be redeemed and forgiven. We would simply be free to live. Free to live in grace. God is never disappointed in us. We have jesus.. so why do we live our lives in fear of disappointing him?

When we live apart from grace. Apart from knowing that we have choices. We are living in the lie that this life has anything to do with the way we live. Our faults, our ambitions. And when we live that way, we don't understand grace.

They are afraid of being fearless.

A paradox.. but seems to be true in observing the way they live.. they are afraid of messing up and somehow not receiving forgiveness.

Now.. having this freedom.. I can't imagine living life any other way. Living a life in fear. I am so much happier living boldly in freedom. Never becoming tame. Knowing he loves outrageously whichever way I choose.

I know I used to have a "problem" with alcohol.. (I call it searching for love) but I don't need to be afraid of turning 21 and suddenly falling back into my "old ways." I am set apart from my old ways.. who I used to be. We have choices. And while i may or may not end up drinking.. I have the choice. I have the freedom to choose. That is what grace is. Knowing that he has set us free of every curse. Of every possible sin.. so we no longer live in the fear of committing sins.. but instead..

We live in grace.

In freedom.

In love.

names.

I have recently discovered the depth and meaning to our names..

It is amazing how the nature of our world works.. how things we seemingly have no choice about, as in what we are named, are a part of us.  Become a part of us.  Unconsciously nonetheless.

Caroline - joy, song of happiness

Marie - rebellion; wished for child; bitter

Love - an intense feeling of deep affection; a person or thing that one loves.

I feel as though my name, in many ways, is extremely fitting.  Constantly striving or wanting to be a type of "song of happiness" foremost.. then rebellion, has always been a part of my spirit.. and love, to encompass every aspect of my being.

It's hard to explain but am literally in utter shock of how this awakens such awareness to my existential mind.  I have always loved people and loved people through being silly and having fun with one another.  Living joyfully and freely.. there meaning, the fact that I am named joy or song of happiness.. makes so much sense.

But the name that rings deeply in my soul is Marie.. rebellion..

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this knows me and most likely knows the nature of who I used to be, who I have become, and who I am becoming.  But I clearly have always had an extremely rebellious nature.  Desiring, somehow, to be different.  Clawing at life to pull myself out of the lifestyle I was raised in.  I mean, who runs to drugs and alcohol as a thirteen year old?  All through my adolescence this rebellion consumed me.  And while it may seem like a negative name to stamp a child with..  It is intrinsically beautiful to me.  Jesus named me this.  And all with the knowing of my capability to love him outrageously and radically.  To have my rebellious nature take on loving him and living life with him for the purpose of showing others that life with him isn't one within four walls of fear.  But one bursting forth with freedom.  Every day I notice how even some of the most deeply loving believers are afraid of living this life of freedom with him.. And it's funny because I think alot of this hesitation is due to fear.  And the safest place we can be is under his wings, his pinions.. running in freedom.  It's almost an oxymoron.. when we finally choose to let ourselves live freely.. to be outrageous, radical.. 

that is when we are safest.

I feel as if he wants me to rebel against everything that our world has culturized him to be.  What the church has done to show his supposed love.. and be this radical example of love.  To give of oneself for others.  To rebel against the lies we tell ourselves about him.. against the lies that our world tells us about him.

I once had a friend say to me to pray for release from this name since it held such a "negative nature".  Immediately my soul did not sit right with this.  What others may see as some type of "curse" or unlikable name.. he continues to affirm as almost a calling upon my life.  To take what might have been meant for negative or unruly purposes.. and use as this incredible force of strength to push past all the stereotypes of what a life for him looks like.  Afterall, one of my favorite quotes is.. "if james dean was a rebel without a cause.. then jesus was a rebel with one."  :)

And to wrap it all up.. 

Love.  

The greatest among these is love.  

All you need is love.  

Love is all you need.  

God is love.  

To be reminded of why I was created.. what I was created in.. every day.  

What our purpose is.. to receive & give love.. 

simply. 

love.

playing.

I was at a "dance" party of sorts last night.  Complete chaos.  I loved it.  

I could dance.. be my complete self without a care in the world.  No care of what others thought.  No care of how completely sweaty I was.  No care of what others thought of how insane I dance at times.  It's just me and jesus.  He created this world for us to have fun with.  To play.  And he wants us to.. oh how he wants us to.  I think sometimes he just wants to yell.. hey!  none of these illusions  or barriers you are setting up for yourself are important.  Not a single one of them.  Just play.  and be with me.  

So why don't we?  Act silly just to make others around you question if you are mentally stable.  It's hilarious.  This life that he has given is far too short not to.  Roll down the top of your convertible and scream.  Be those obnoxious people in line that people roll their eyes at.  Walk around barefoot even if people look at you like you can't afford shoes.

Be free.

currently listening:  "everyday is a winding road" by sheryl crow..

(don't judge.. well i wouldn't blame you.. I probably would too.. BUT for this season.. this moment.. it's too much fun

"jump in, let's go

lay back, enjoy the show

everybody gets high, everybody gets low

these are the days when anything goes.."

whoever thought sheryl crow could have slightly deep & insightful lyrics?)

anyways.. jesus & i have been dancing to this all morning

one of my friends told me recently "haha i can just see you dancing alone to that!  you and God are totally your own best company.."  mmm.. so true :)

desperate.

Although it may seem cliche.. this is truly how much I need confirmation and reassurance from him constantly.  I am literally desperate for it.  Reminders.  New words.  New promises.  They keep me going.

Why do we continue to return to our own vomit?  To re-learn the same lessons, the same sins over and over again.  Sometimes I disgust myself.  

I walk away from a situation feeling as though I have gained great insight.. 

thank you jesus for showing me this, etc..

And here I am.. yet again.. left to stare and return to my vomit.  To my sin again.  Trying to piece together how I could allow myself to get back here?  To take steps backwards.

I was introduced to a new concept in more recent months that maybe the more we continue to sin the same "sin".. the more joyous jesus becomes.  Because each time we sin we are that much closer to being set free from it.  Or not technically "being set free" but finally receiving the understanding of the freedom we already have..  life process.  And although ultimately frustrating, completely necessary.

We tell ourselves that we aren't worthy of moving past certain issues.. that we will simply have to live this way.  But this is not what he has in mind for us.  He continues to reveal to us in more & more situations.. he continues to show more ways he wants us to set us free from the lies we tell ourselves.  To point out what plagues us.. to help us take the freedom he gives and push past the lies.

I am ever grateful for freedom.  I slowly try to understand it.. to completely wrap myself in it.  But I take the knowing that I may never understand it fully.  It's beautiful that way.

a winged heart.

an awakening of God's presence on a winged heart...

.. beauty.  

Those nine words describe my relationship with jesus like i've never seen.  Feeling that at times my heart is winged.. his pinions cover me.

This poem by Khalil Gibran is so beautiful i can't stand it..

"When love beckons to you.. follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you.. yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love.. you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct that course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

And give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart

And a song of praise upon your lips..."

I had planned to write a response to the deep nature of truth within these lines but simply can not create the words.. can not speak for it's beauty overwhelms.  I pray it's strength may affect you in the same way.

deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls..

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

strangers.

I sometimes wonder if there is something that compels and draws us to others.. Do we have times when we feel pulled to other people? Are our spirits drawn to situations and places.. or is it all just by chance?

I feel that I am drawn to certain people at certain stages of the path that i live.. and they play the most sensational role without even knowing. And whether it be for a prolonged period or not, these conversations and experiences shape me into who I am each moment.

The most beautiful experiences I think we have in life are the moments we have with complete strangers.. I find myself constantly in deep conversation with others.. I think partly because I am always searching for truth.. for new perspectives of life.. but mostly to see the beauty that in lies within others that they have no perception of.

These conversations often times happen with friends but I dearly love the conversations that are with strangers. The fact that in just a few moments I may have an opportunity to see into the depths of someone's heart through conversation and walk away only to never see them again.. is such an incredible gift. If anything, this proves again that we were created for relationship. That we were created for one another.. to live life together.. never in isolation. We have been given to one another in love.

I have faith in the links between all things.. there are few coincidences.. every event has a reason and purpose.

freedom.

freedom (noun) - the state of being free. The condition of being free of restraints. Or at liberty. Personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery. The absence of or release from ties, obligations, etc. The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition. The capacity to exercise choice; free will. Ease or facility of movement. The right to unrestricted use; full access. Exemption from necessity, in choice and action; as, the freedom of the will. Immunity from an obligation or duty.

Synonyms: Freedom, liberty refer to an absence of undue restrictions. Freedom emphasizes the opportunity given for the exercise of one's rights, powers, desires, or the like: freedom of movement. Openness, ingenuousness.

Simply reading the world's definition of freedom.. sends chills down my spine. It is my deepest desire for every person I know to experience that, love that, know this truth. To know that we are already free.. at times we may just need to come into the realization of this freedom.

The encyclopedia states that "in theology: the existence of free will must be reconciled with God's omniscience and goodness (in allowing man to choose badly), and with divine grace, which allegedly is necessary for any meritorious act. A prominent feature of modern existentialism is the concept of a radical, perpetual, and frequently agonizing freedom of choice."

A beautiful description of the overwhelming idea of our free will and God's divine nature encompassing into one motion. We have this free will, yes.. but it's funny how I have this freedom of choice, but can't do anything apart from him.. even if i want to.. even if i try.. there overcomes me this feeling of uneasiness. I could never leave you. I have tasted and seen the deep waters of who you are.. of your goodness. To choose or even ponder choosing something separate or other than what he has shown me is a deeply sickening thought. At times I have literally felt physically ill at the thought but am quickly rescued with the knowing that even if I do stray for a moment, he will divinely intersect. He will draw me back. He is Redeeming Love.

Perhaps the most beautiful thing about this relationship is that he gives us this freedom. This freedom to be.. and to love him. Sometimes there isn't even necessarily a "right" or a "wrong" answer.. he just wants us to choose.. to know that we have a choice.. and to trust that he is there whichever way.

At times we are told by society and perhaps even our own nature tells us that we are not free. That we must accomplish a list of tasks to come close to this "freedom".. but once we are there.. there comes another task to partake. How different would life look if we understood the freedom we already have? If we ran with this idea.

We have this freedom because of his love. So let us simply stand and be in this love. Like falling rain on my face. I can deny that it is there, but how much more intrinsically beautiful is life if we choose live to in it? To dance with it?

Freedom in love my friends.. take & run.

currently listening: "there's never enough time" by postal service

myers briggs.

Extroverted. 

iNtuitive.

Feeling.

Perceptive.

Myers Briggs is a personality type "test" that i have recently come to love.  I have always enjoyed learning about personalities and how people are created differently.  In high school I took a test called the Enneagram which i loved but it seemed to almost magnify my distaste for certain personality types.  This resulted in simply an effort to avoid these "types" of people.  (By the way, I'm a 2)

Call it maturity maybe.. but being turned to myers briggs in more recent months, my eyes have been opened.  The point of the test is to learn more about yourself and your natural tendencies, yes, but more significantly, it is to learn more about others.  To see and understand why people are the way they are.. and to appreciate our differences.  To love people for who they are.. where they are.

I discovered that according to "myers briggs"  I am an ENFP..

(Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency)

I found this to be very accurate in describing my personality (although i am an introverted extrovert.. a cross between the two)

And as I said earlier the types of personalities I would try and avoid might have been the Sensing Thinking Judging type.. Ones who analyze situations logically.. making decisions without emotion, etc..

But talking to Jesus about it.. I felt him whisper over me..

caroline.. I am all encompassing.  I am everything.  I am both a thinker and a feeler.  Both sensing and intuitive.  Both judging and perceiving.  Both introverted and extroverted.. and I want you to be more like me.  Appreciate these differences.  Love these differences.  Learn from them.  Learn from them so you may become more like me.  This is sanctification my love.  And this is my desire for you..

Awe-struck.  

It all makes sense.  We are to be centered.  Not completely wayward one way or another.  

I can not describe to you the amount of appreciation I then received for my "thinking" friends, to which before this I, at times, wanted to strangle out of frustration for our differences.

Loving Jesus, and having an emotional response to his greatness has always come easily to me.  For this is the way he created me.  And he loves that about me.  But that doesn't mean we're done.  This is only the beginning.  Now I am constantly being challenged to learn the how and why Jesus deserves this great emotional response.  The facts about our creator that glorify that greatness.  (And as I have fearfully asked for this knowledge, believe me he is providing.. especially with dear "thinking" friends that aren't afraid to challenge me :)

I am eternally grateful for differences.. "Discovering the qualities that distinguish someone from everyone else is an essential aspect of my personal search for truth."

currently listening: "on ice" by chris thile

honesty.

What if we all really said what we were thinking in each moment? What type of society would that create?

The lack of confidence and honesty within our every day lives frustrates me ultimately. Striving to obtain a complete genuine nature has been a goal of upmost importance in my life. I won't say something, and own it unless I genuinely believe in it.. no matter how uncomfortable it may make me. This may sound like a dangerous path but I have found that the more honest I am in my daily life, in speaking or not, the more at peace I become. And having this co-union with jesus is an incredible gift.. communing with him in every moment is something i can not put into words to describe. If we are having this type of a relationship with him, why should we fear what we express?

Maybe why people don't genuinely say what they mean and mean what they say.. is simply because they are fearful of who they are. They may not even like who they are. I just want to scream to them that they are completely loved.. right here.. right now. They need not worry about what I think, what others think. Honesty could not possibly be some type of a road to disaster. If anything at all, it would create an awareness of our unconscious mind. An awareness that can only benefit us and our thoughts in the future. If I am not honest with myself about my inner most thoughts.. what is the point in being honest about anything?

currently listening: "jerusalem" by matisyahu

nature.

"In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous." - Aristotle(I took this recently at a spot overlooking birmingham.. sometimes the most magnificent things in nature are right before our eyes.. we are just unaware..)

I am constantly finding myself in complete awe of the beauty that is creation.  This greatness that surrounds us daily..  it lures me.  Sometimes as I walk to class and look up at the huge majesty of great oaks and the sky that envelops this world we live in.. I look around and wonder if anyone really sees what's going on.. what is really going on around us.  The absolute depth and elegance of creation and the power of how strongly it testifies that there is something bigger.. Someone stronger.

And it ultimately frustrates me how 'ignorant' we are to this beauty.. this magnificence.  At times I feel as though I am the only one that cares, the only one that desires to feel connected to the Father through so many avenues that the idea of abusing something that he has created with his own two hands.. irks me.  And I know this can't be true, there are plenty of people that see God, but it truly pains me when I see how so much of this life is a joke to people.  When will they see?  When will their eyes be opened?  Will their eyes be opened?

desire.

I recently went without meat for two months.  A completely unplanned venture, but a learning experience nonetheless.  The choice was not because of a fear of eating meat or a belief that the life of an animal is sacred, although I am constantly infuriated with the way that animals are treated today, I understand that we have dominion over animals.  It started as a commitment of sorts to not partake in the eating of meat for three weeks.. during these three weeks however, I started to discover that it was not as difficult for me to abstain from meat.  

do i even really like meat?  do i enjoy eating it?  or do i simply tell myself that meat is a substance i need because society tells me that i need it?

How do we know what we want.. what we desire?  

I often find myself, in my own world, consuming this, partaking in that.. completely unaware of what I am even doing.  Our minds have been trained to take whatever is placed before us as truth..  accept society's standards, don't question anything or you'll be looked upon as foolish.

Sadly, I have this attitude towards so many areas in my life.. even my faith.  God wants us to question him.. to ask him questions, to really know him.  To own this faith as our own.  Not as someone else perceives him to be.

healing.

Ignorance is bliss.  

This may be true.. yet who really desires to live and be in a state of ignorance?

Recently having been convicted of a certain guilt and shame clinging onto my spirit from my past.. this phrase rang in my mind.  

Why God would you bring forth such pain that I had buried in the depths of my soul?  Such deep scars that the thought of this certain pain had left the consciousness of my mind?  

because I love you caroline,  I only desire true intimacy with you.. not part of you, but with every aspect of who you are, who you were, who you're going to be..

It is as if there was this virus of deep sorrow swimming in my body.. and after years of living in sickness, my body has expelled this "virus" from me.   And now I am left with my vomit.. to piece through and wonder how I could have let this sickness unconsciously consume me.. keep me from this great intimacy.. this deeper intimacy.. real truth.

So can ignorance truly be bliss?  In no way.  Ignorance eats at us daily.. I desire only to run fiercely in the opposite direction.. to run towards truth.  awareness.  love.

This is a self portrait (and no i was not naked..) of this healing.. of Him drawing me out of the deep sadness that I still cling onto.. afraid of the unconditional love he offers instead.

In the midst of this healing, I am thankful that he desires our faith.  our trust.  because although it may be easy to rely on our emotional response to his greatness.. we are in no way capable of loving him in the way he deserves.  He wants us to trust him in the midst of sadness and fear.. the love will come, but first we must trust.

In between these written lines.. hides everything undefined.

I've been carrying this inside my pocket.. 

and my leg is chafing from the weight of it all.. chafing from the weight of it all

Explanations of what might have been, always depends on the open ends

The un-kept drawers and dusty lofts, the hanging cobwebs conceal all that's lost..

Beat out the truth in your tin made heart, pull back the edges, reveal the tart

The taste of pain over and over again.. I'm not who I thought I was, something worse I've hid from you.  

I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm sorry I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm trying, I'm sorry, it's hard to fit what's right.

currently listening: "hard to fit" by the bypass

www.bypassmusic.com

No rest.

Let's pray exposure is not as scary as we sometimes paint it to be.  Transparency is not valued enough in our society.. how different our world would look if we simply stood confidently "exposed" in who we truly are.

Been up on an insomniac spree lately, sleeping 45 minutes here and there.. decided to finally make one of these..

"produce in me self-despair that will make Jesus precious to me, delightful in all his offices, pleasurable in all his ways, and may i love his commands as well as his promises.."

currently listening: "up on a mountain" by the welcome wagon

(love their folky taste :)