healing.

Ignorance is bliss.  

This may be true.. yet who really desires to live and be in a state of ignorance?

Recently having been convicted of a certain guilt and shame clinging onto my spirit from my past.. this phrase rang in my mind.  

Why God would you bring forth such pain that I had buried in the depths of my soul?  Such deep scars that the thought of this certain pain had left the consciousness of my mind?  

because I love you caroline,  I only desire true intimacy with you.. not part of you, but with every aspect of who you are, who you were, who you're going to be..

It is as if there was this virus of deep sorrow swimming in my body.. and after years of living in sickness, my body has expelled this "virus" from me.   And now I am left with my vomit.. to piece through and wonder how I could have let this sickness unconsciously consume me.. keep me from this great intimacy.. this deeper intimacy.. real truth.

So can ignorance truly be bliss?  In no way.  Ignorance eats at us daily.. I desire only to run fiercely in the opposite direction.. to run towards truth.  awareness.  love.

This is a self portrait (and no i was not naked..) of this healing.. of Him drawing me out of the deep sadness that I still cling onto.. afraid of the unconditional love he offers instead.

In the midst of this healing, I am thankful that he desires our faith.  our trust.  because although it may be easy to rely on our emotional response to his greatness.. we are in no way capable of loving him in the way he deserves.  He wants us to trust him in the midst of sadness and fear.. the love will come, but first we must trust.

In between these written lines.. hides everything undefined.

I've been carrying this inside my pocket.. 

and my leg is chafing from the weight of it all.. chafing from the weight of it all

Explanations of what might have been, always depends on the open ends

The un-kept drawers and dusty lofts, the hanging cobwebs conceal all that's lost..

Beat out the truth in your tin made heart, pull back the edges, reveal the tart

The taste of pain over and over again.. I'm not who I thought I was, something worse I've hid from you.  

I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm sorry I'm trying so hard to fit what's right.  I'm trying, I'm sorry, it's hard to fit what's right.

currently listening: "hard to fit" by the bypass

www.bypassmusic.com