desperate.

Although it may seem cliche.. this is truly how much I need confirmation and reassurance from him constantly.  I am literally desperate for it.  Reminders.  New words.  New promises.  They keep me going.

Why do we continue to return to our own vomit?  To re-learn the same lessons, the same sins over and over again.  Sometimes I disgust myself.  

I walk away from a situation feeling as though I have gained great insight.. 

thank you jesus for showing me this, etc..

And here I am.. yet again.. left to stare and return to my vomit.  To my sin again.  Trying to piece together how I could allow myself to get back here?  To take steps backwards.

I was introduced to a new concept in more recent months that maybe the more we continue to sin the same "sin".. the more joyous jesus becomes.  Because each time we sin we are that much closer to being set free from it.  Or not technically "being set free" but finally receiving the understanding of the freedom we already have..  life process.  And although ultimately frustrating, completely necessary.

We tell ourselves that we aren't worthy of moving past certain issues.. that we will simply have to live this way.  But this is not what he has in mind for us.  He continues to reveal to us in more & more situations.. he continues to show more ways he wants us to set us free from the lies we tell ourselves.  To point out what plagues us.. to help us take the freedom he gives and push past the lies.

I am ever grateful for freedom.  I slowly try to understand it.. to completely wrap myself in it.  But I take the knowing that I may never understand it fully.  It's beautiful that way.