The most frustrated I get when I look back however is when I look at this "legalistic" period of my life. I was supposed to have been set free. But instead, because of what our world tells us how christians are supposed to live.. I chose otherwise. And to most, it may not have even seemed like legalism. But for my free-spirited self.. it definitely was. Forcing myself to sit down and read my bible every morning for X amount of time, while not even talking to jesus.. (I mean really talking) Telling myself even when I did turn 21 I wasn't going to drink alcohol. Not befriending guys because of the false belief that guys and girls can't be "just friends".. the list goes on and on.
And I can truthfully say that although I may have had jesus at this point. I was miserable. Completely. Constantly feeling condemned. I might have told you I had grace. I might have said that I felt love. And at times I did feel love.. but I didn't have a single bit of an aspect of what true grace was. I was deathly afraid of falling back into drinking again. I had lived that way for so long, it didn't seem unlikely that I wouldn't. (and it didn't help that many around me didn't have faith that this jesus "kick" would last for long)
It's almost as if I needed to go to both extremes. Go from being consumed by the alcohol and drugs.. a life apart from God. Then to the other.. being completely consumed with constantly reading christian literature.. music.. legalistically living my life "for God." And the truth was.. I wasn't really living that part of my life "for God." I was living it for myself. Telling myself that living a life with jesus was one filled with rules and works.. that I needed to "please" him by living by these guidelines. Say any of this to a legalistic christian and they will deny it, because they know with their minds that's not what the gospel says. But if they got honest with themselves.. really asked why they were so afraid of finding truth in non-christian books.. non-christian music.. they would begin to see that their hearts are what don't understand grace. Knowing that the "law" causes sin.. and that we aren't called to live under the law.. but under grace. Now, don't misunderstand me and run off thinking I'm saying to go live like heathens. No.. again, if we truly understood grace. And lived in a life of love with jesus.. we wouldn't even be having this conversation. We would, out of love, simply want to live in this union with him.. wanting to find him in whatever avenue we could find. And even if we did end up in sin, we would know that we would be redeemed and forgiven. We would simply be free to live. Free to live in grace. God is never disappointed in us. We have jesus.. so why do we live our lives in fear of disappointing him?
When we live apart from grace. Apart from knowing that we have choices. We are living in the lie that this life has anything to do with the way we live. Our faults, our ambitions. And when we live that way, we don't understand grace.
They are afraid of being fearless.
A paradox.. but seems to be true in observing the way they live.. they are afraid of messing up and somehow not receiving forgiveness.
Now.. having this freedom.. I can't imagine living life any other way. Living a life in fear. I am so much happier living boldly in freedom. Never becoming tame. Knowing he loves outrageously whichever way I choose.
I know I used to have a "problem" with alcohol.. (I call it searching for love) but I don't need to be afraid of turning 21 and suddenly falling back into my "old ways." I am set apart from my old ways.. who I used to be. We have choices. And while i may or may not end up drinking.. I have the choice. I have the freedom to choose. That is what grace is. Knowing that he has set us free of every curse. Of every possible sin.. so we no longer live in the fear of committing sins.. but instead..
We live in grace.
In freedom.
In love.
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