healing.

my head has been throbbing all day.

the rush of blood and release of tension is almost too much for my brain to handle.

On most days I let my heart do the thinking.. maybe thats why the push to detach my heart and make the decision I know needs to be made is so difficult. And despite the pain.. I am joyful for these wounds. I can't explain it.. but the simple fact that I can feel jesus weeping with me is enough. To know that he is present with me.. and wants to experience my pain with me.

I went to barnes and noble today and opened up a book of lord byrons.. the first poem was entitled

To Caroline:

"Think'st thou I saw thy beauteous eyes,

Suffused in tears, implore to stay;

And heard unmoved thy plenteous sighs,

Which said far more than words can say

Though keen the grief thy tears exprest,

When love and hope lay both overthrown;

Yet still, my girl, this bleeding breast

Throbbed, with deep sorrow, as thine own.

But, when our cheeks with anguish glowed

When thy sweet lips were joined to mine;

The tears that from my eyelids flowed

Were lost in those which fell from thine.

Thou could'st not feel my burning cheek,

Thy gushing tears had quenched its flame,

And, as thy tongue essay'd to speak,

In sighs alone it breathed my name.."

i almost began weeping right there in the store as i heard jesus speak these words over me. i know i can't even begin to comprehend how much he loves us.. but that he wants to join in my tears. wants to feel my weak heart with me. to whisper to me my darling, you are not alone. it's overwhelming.

I think so many of us believe that he is bigger than to want to share in our pain. or that if we share, he'll just prematurely make us "do the right thing".. And because of this we try and hold it on our own. avoid the conversations and carry our burdens by ourselves. but over and over i could hear him begging me not to carry these burdens alone. that they aren't mine to carry. to allow myself to live freely. to be the child he created me to be. to love and not let heavyness overwhelm. He just wants us to share our hardships with him. To let him hold us. To let it all out. To weep so deeply that we may begin to see where this pain comes from. What drives us to these things.. What drives us away from him?

i'm beginning to really understand his patience.. the depth of his love. and how true his words are when he calls us children of light.

Tonight hunter kept asking what was going on with me.. why i was so happy.

I didn't have an answer but knew in my heart what it was.. I had finally let go. I was no longer carrying the burden. I let him hold me. I let it all out.

I asked why he was asking.

"Because you just look happier. I can't explain it.. It's almost as if you're glowing."

currently listening: "welcome home" by radical face